It's not me, It's you
- secretlysurviving1
- Jun 5, 2020
- 3 min read
Its 17:30 and I've walked through the door of the home I share with my husband. Instantly I break into a 'So this happened at work' story. I regale him with the in's and out's and the 'he said', 'she said' of each part, when finally I pause,
"Am i right to be annoyed?"
"Absolutely" he replies.
And there I have it,. The validation of my feeling and the confirmation that I'm not 'over sensitive' or taking things to heart.
It occurs to me that this same scenario with variations has played out many time before. I've lost the ability to trust my own judgement, and it seems I am not alone.
Listening to friends I hear my own phrases repeated back to me: 'Am I being sensitive?', 'Did I over react?', 'Was it wrong?'.
Of course every situation has its own grounds for review, but when a situation is blindingly clear, why are those who are offended, the victims, questioning themselves?
And maybe key, why if they voice their feelings are they all of a sudden the problem?
In some bizarre chain of events the order of things have been absolutely turned on their head.
It's not ok to be offended. It's certainly not ok to call out the offensive behaviour. In fact if you are offended - it's your fault.
It is ok to be offensive as long as someone chortles (even if its just you). It is ok to be offensive if that wasn't your intention, or if it was but you were subtle. And it is ok to call someone out for being offended and highlight that they are in fact the problem.
The term snowflake perfectly encapsulated the issue. The blame is placed on the victim. The perpetrator has abolished all responsibility from themselves by now pointing out that in reality you are 'soft' and have over reacted and should be tougher.
What we are seeing is a casual, every day form of Gas Lighting. It's become so frequent that we aren't even seeing it anymore:
From casually racist comments my friend heard at a quiz night but told herself she was over reacting.
From sexist kitchen comments I hear in the workplace but tell myself it's just banter.
To condescending tones used towards my little sister that she tells herself isn't meant to be offensive.
We are shouldering the responsibility of others actions, excusing their behaviours and allowing it to continue.
This is learned behaviour on both parts:
The perpetrators have never been made to be accountable for their actions. Our modern media see the word 'snowflake' thrown around like its not incredibly undermining. Celebrities even use the term to deflect any of their negative actions. Its become an accepted status quo.
And the victims? They question themselves and shroud themselves in blame.
For survivors this is felt even more acutely.
Survivors are often left carrying the burdens of shame, guilt and blame that should belong to the abusers. In this sense, when a perpetrator throws the mud directly back at the victim we accept it willingly. It's what we are used to.
It's not something we can switch off, but it is something we can learn to support each other through. We don't have to accept these comments. If it feels offensive and wrong, there is a real chance it is.
Well here's the truth of it:
It's not me, it's you
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